CENTENNIAL,
CO—Noting that he typically advises anyone under 120 over 80 to go
apeshit, local internist Dr. Alan Thal told patient Matt Richards Friday
that his blood pressure read fairly normal, so he should really f*****g
let it rip. “Well, Mr. Richards, you’re at 118 over 74. That means do
whatever the hell you want. Get wasted, start a smoking habit—who gives a
shit, just f*****g go nuts,” said Thal, adding that he’d like to keep
an eye on it, but in the meantime, Richards is going to want to eat as
much delicious, salty food as he wants and cut loose. “Blood pressure is
measured in terms of systolic and diastolic numbers and, since both of
yours are fine, you can stop wasting time exercising and do some real
crazy shit. Keep in mind, you’re 51 and not getting any younger, so I
strongly suggest going balls-to-the-wall sooner than later.” At press
time, Richards had died as a result of hypertension 20 minutes after
leaving the doctor’s office
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